Dear Jensen Lewis:
I want to like you. You’re the type of player I usually like. Crafty relief pitcher. Somewhat local, you’re from Cincinnati and from what I remember reading (but conveniently can’t find evidence of now) that you grew up and Indians fan, so you share my pain, somewhat.
You’ve been wildly inconsistent throughout your short major league career, which might be the reason this is your fifth call up to Cleveland this season (just a hunch). OK, that’s a bit unfair, as you’ve been the victim of a numbers game as well, since you did have an option remaining. But you’re up for the rest of the season now, and you need to be more like your 2007 self (2.15 ERA, 1.23 WHIP in 29.1 IP as a midseason call up) if you want a spot on the roster for next season.
I don’t think you’re stupid; you don’t need me to tell you that this September could be crucial for your Cleveland Indians career. But I had to tell you anyways. Remember in 2008, when you were the closer for the last month or so, and you saved 13 games? Saves are a bit of a misleading stat, but you were solid back then. You showed some poise as the closer. You didn’t let things rattle you like you do now. I need you to be that way for me now, buddy. Show this team you want to be here, and that you want to be the guy. You won’t be the closer (Pure Rage Perez has got a lock down on that), but you very well could be one of Manny Acta’s go-to guys next year, if you want the job.
I can’t tell you how to pitch (I’m not much of an athlete), but I can give you some one big pointer on how to boost that confidence and be more badass: think before you Tweet.
Now, your tweeting hasn’t gotten you into trouble, like say, David Huff. And you’re an active tweeter, unlike @Gator4God Matt LaPorta, although given some of his tweets that might be a good thing. But the problem is, Jensen, that your tweets aren’t much better. Now, they’re not obnoxious (although he basically is doing Internet PDA [public display of affection] with a lady friend most of the time), but they aren’t cool. I don’t look forward to your tweets, Jensen. They’re just kind of … lame. (Really? Chipoltle’s a taste of home? Aren’t they everywhere?)
So here’s what you’re going to have to do. Stop being a nice guy. I don’t know what music you enter the game into, but I’m sure it needs to change. I have no idea what you listen to, but I think a nice choice would be to steal David Huff’s former entrance music (Johnny Cash – God’s Gonna Cut You Down). Tweet like a badass. The only tweet I wanna see from you today is about how hungry you are to get in there and get to work – I don’t give a crap about your affinity for sushi (although I love sushi). Take some notes from your penmate’s fake alter ego, @PureRage_Perez. It’s time to bear down. Give me a reason to like you, to root for you, and then perform like you can.
You can do this. No excuses this time. Show me something here, or you’re dead to me. Not that we know each other, but you’ll be dead to DLF. Which probably won’t affect you in any way, but just do your job, OK?