Oh, hello, Cleveland Indians. It’s been awhile. I didn’t mean for you to see me here.
Wow, this is awkward. I thought it would be at least May until you knew I was coming. No, I know it was stupid of 0f me to think I could sneak around and watch you, especially with how few people are coming to visit you. I kinda stick out like a sore thumb in my red holiday hat and my nerdy-but-still-proud-to-rock-it “CARROLL” jersey. You knew I wasn’t going to stay away forever, right?
Am I stalking you? Jeez, what a harsh word, “stalk.” I mean, yeah, I’ve been keeping tabs on you. You really didn’t move around too much this winter, I was able to forget about you every once in awhile. But I really didn’t stalk you, I mean, I made a comment about that bogus rumor that you were flirting with the Nationals about trading Grady Sizemore and Fausto Carmona, but I was defending your honor, baby, I knew you’d never trade around like that. But really, other than that, you haven’t heard from me. I needed some “me” time. I just needed to work on me.
Why didn’t I say “hi” to you when I was here on Opening Day? Baby, I don’t know, there were a LOT of people here to visit you. You were busy. I didn’t want you to waste your precious time on me. Most of those people won’t visit you again for awhile, if at all, this season. I knew I’d be back. They don’t love you like I love you.
Well, I have your attention now, and you have mine. You going to listen to what I have to say, or not? I really don’t care for some of the people you’re associating with this season. Like that Jack Hannahan jerk you’ve been meeting up with at The Hot Corner. I know, I know, he’s hitting well so far, playing solid defense, yada, yada. Four games doesn’t make a season, you know that right? Don’t you dare bring up 2007! Those were four games in October, not April. And that was back when you associated with players like CC Sabathia, Kenny Lofton, and before Grady got hurt. And now look at you. You’re with Jack Hannahan now? I mean, was Andy Marte busy? You do realize that Hannahan has only had over 400 ABs just once, right? And that year he had a .305 OBP? I know you only use him because Jason Donald got hurt, but don’t fall in love with the guy. He’s not a long-term solution for you. Save yourself for Lonnie.
I like being back here with you, though. And I mean, not everything you’ve done lately has been stupid. You wisely shuffled Trevor Crowe out of the picture for the big-league roster. That injury sure was convenient, wasn’t it? I know it’s hard for you to admit you made a major mistake with Crowe, wasting a first-round pick on that worthless head of hair, but you’re doing it, and I’m proud of you for that.
I’ve liked some of your other decisions lately, too. I like that you didn’t kick Lou Marson out and into Columbus. He’s got nothing for him there. I’m glad you gave David Huff a chance to show that he doesn’t suck (although I was totally right that the blabbermouth didn’t belong with you). And I thought the Travis Buck and Nick Johnson signings were savvy under-the-radar signings that wouldn’t hurt you in the long term.
Are the kids OK? Are you treating them well? I know Michael Brantley has had a strong start and Carlos Santana looks he was never hurt by that bastard Ryan Kalish kid from Boston, but I must admit Carlos Carrasco’s start the other day worried me. And don’t get me started about Matt LaPorta. That kid really needs to grow up and start hitting. If he doesn’t begin to earn his keep for you I say you should kick him out after this season. But, as always, I’ll leave that up to you.
I gotta go now though. No, this has been great seeing you, you’re great. But I can’t let myself fall in love again over one game. I’ll be around though, watching and listening to you, and I’ll check in with you. But I just don’t think you’re ready for a serious, contending commitment to me. Who knows, maybe you’ll prove me wrong. But next year seems more realistic.
Take care, Tribe. See you soon.
Tags: Andy Marte Carlos Carrasco Carlos Santana CC Sabathia David Huff Fausto Carmona Grady Sizemore Jack Hannahan Kenny Lofton Lou Marson Matt LaPorta Michael Brantley Nick Johnson Ryan Kalish Travis Buck Trevor Crowe