With the MLB offseason well underway, it stands to the reason that many Indians’ players will begin making vacation plans for the winter months before heading back to Arizona for Spring Training in February. After all, it was a long season and the players, coaches, and even the front office deserve the right to take a nice relaxing vacation of some sort. On a related note, that sound you hear is millions of Tribe fans nationwide cackling and laughing it up about how the Indians went on vacation in August. But I digress.
So what exactly are the Indians doing with all their free time this winter? Well, in case any of them are still looking for ideas, I’m here to help. So, without further ado, here’s a list of some offseason vacation ideas for a handful of notable Indians:
- Chris Antonetti: Part-time job working in the Las Vegas-based pawn shop on the hit History Channel Show Pawn Stars. With his budget limited by ownership and holes to fill all across the roster it looks like it’s going to be another long offseason full of bargain bin shopping for Chris Antonetti. What better way than to learn how to properly appraise another team’s random crap than by learning how to appraise ordinary people’s random crap? Learning the difference between a legit samurai sword and a fake could go a long way in helping him determine who is a legit power hitter and who is…well, a fake. The haggling could also go a long way in improving his skills at the trade table. And as a bonus, he can parlay the Dolan’s money at the blackjack tables on the strip to help increase the payroll. Let’s just hope he doesn’t follow the Homer Simpson method of playing blackjack.
Mark Shapiro: Disney World. It’s been well documented that Shapiro is an avid Star Wars fan. In fact, he was even spotted at a Cleveland Orchestra performance of Star Wars music at Gund Arena sometime last year, much to his chagrin. Well, with Disney’s recent purchase of the Lucasfilms and the Star Wars franchise, this is the perfect time for Shapiro to take the entire family down to Disney World! I can see it now: Mark dressed up as Han Solo with his wife as Princess Leia and the kids as Ewoks. Oh, the memories that could be had. Plus, it’s warm down there so could you really blame him?
- Jason Kipnis: Roadie for Chicago. As the up-and-coming rock star of the Indians, what better way for Jason Kipnis to spend his winter than as the roadie for the famous rock band from his home town that also bares the same name, Chicago. While it may be nowhere near as fun as going out on tour some hard partying veteran like Metallica, Aerosmith, or Brett Michaels, it would allow Kipnis to baby-step his way into the rock star persona he is destined to take on. I mean, you don’t want to rush the process. That’s how rock stars end up burning out and that’s the last thing we need. Let’s even throw Vinnie Pestano into the mix here too. They can learn the ropes of being rock stars and come back to Cleveland in 2013 as the Axl and Slash of the Cleveland Indians, minus the hating each other thing.
- Chris Perez: Living room couch. This one actually isn’t that far of a stretch. Last offseason, Perez spent many a day challenging followers on Twitter to matches in Madden ’12. He regularly issued challenges and then proceeded to beat in the brains of everyone that dared take him up on the offer. Judging by how well his 2012 season worked out, why mess with success? So please, Chris, continue to spend the offseason kicking the butts of every 14-year-old following you on Twitter. I also need a hobby and getting my own butt kicked by a professional athlete could be it. You’re going down Perez.
Carlos Santana: Pilgrimage to India. If you had to place odds on which current Indian would travel to India, have a life changing experience, and come back in a Buddhism induced pacifist haze similar to what happened to Pedro Cerrano in 1994 it would have to be Carlos Santana, right? What are the odds on this and can we place bets on it? Actually, this might be just the thing for him. Often times the past two seasons he’s too often been a victim of getting inside his own head and thinking way too much at the plate. The end result? Disappointing first halves followed by second half power explosions. Santana needs to learn how to relax and let the game come to him. What better way than to embrace the inner piece that is Buddha? Let’s just hope he doesn’t lose his marbles in the process.
- Ubaldo Jimenez: Germany. Kobe Bryant has done it. Andrew Bynum has too. Even Alex Rodriguez has made the trip across the pond to Germany. But, they didn’t go for leisure. Instead, they all traveled abroad to endure a revolutionary stem cell procedure to help revitalize their careers. Bartolo Colon underwent a similar procedure in the Dominican Republic, but given how his 2012 ended it’s probably better that Jimenez go to Germany instead. Can Jimenez use the procedure to return his arm to its Colorado era flame thrower form? It’s worth a shot, isn’t it? Can we at least get a consultation? We need Ubaldo throwing 99 mph heat in 2013.
- Justin Masterson: The Canadian wilderness. Justin Masterson is big, he’s burly, and he’s been known to grow a rather impressive beard. He’s also built like Paul Bunyan so naturally a winter spent as a lumberjack seems right up his alley. In addition to all the exercise he could get chopping down trees and herding blue oxen, Masterson could use the alone time to get himself in the proper frame of mind to be the ace of the staff we all know he can be in 2013. And, if nothing else, that beard will be back better than ever come Spring Training.
- Asdrubal Cabrera: Japan. If Cabrera is going to continue to be the shortstop for the Cleveland Indians, especially after the acquisition of Mike Aviles and Francisco Lindor lurking in the shadows, he needs to improve his range. What better way to do that than by traveling to Japan and partaking in ninja training. He would instantly benefit from added agility, renewed dedication to his craft, and instant security for the team should The Foot Clan changes its base of operations from New York to Cleveland. Yes, he could just lose some weight and get into better physical shape, but the mental edge that could be gained from ninja training could help stave off yet another late season disappearing act. Although, ninjitsu is the art of invisibility.
- Grady Sizemore and Travis Hafner – Siberia: Does this one really require an explanation?
Tags: Cleveland Indians