Hey Wahoo’s on First fans. Welcome to the first edition of a new segment, the Sunday Funnies! The articles below are solely intended for humor and do not reflect the opinions of the affiliates of Wahoo’s on First or the Cleveland Indians. The post is a day late, so I hope you all take that as additional irony.
Columbus Clippers Upset Over Loss of Tomlin
Earlier this month, the Columbus Clippers lost yet another valuable member of its squad when Josh Tomlin was called up to the big league club. This marked yet another instance of the Cleveland Indians stealing key players from a Clippers club who, like any professional ball club, needs good players in order to win games. The Indians had already taken players such as C.C. Lee and Jose Ramirez away from Columbus this season, but Tomlin’s loss was a huge blow to their rotation. Tomlin had a 20-inning scoreless streak going for him after a complete game shutout in his most recent start before the Tribe decided to sweep him away.
“It seems like, just when a player is getting good, those jerks in Cleveland steal him away from us,” said frustrated pitching coach Tony Arnold. “It happened with Danny Salazar last year, and Corey Kluber and Zach McAllister the year before. When is this thievery going to end?”
“We just can’t compete with the salaries they’re willing to offer,” manager Chris Tremie said with disdain. “We’d like to retain all of our best players, but the Indians are always willing to offer more money than we can afford. At least I can take solace in the fact that the Yankees are doing the exact same thing to them year in and year out.”
But it’s not just the pitching staff. In fact, over half of the players on the Cleveland Indians’ current 25-man roster played at least a few games with the Columbus Clippers before moving on to greener pastures. In some cases, Cleveland has actually GIVEN players to Columbus, only to steal them back when it’s most convenient for them. One example of this is Nyjer Morgan, who played well for the Clippers for a few weeks before the Tribe decided they wanted him back. They also have a nasty habit of taking Trevor Bauer when it’s his turn to pitch, then returning him for the rest of the week.
“I feel like it’s only a matter of time before they steal Bauer for good, too. They’re robbing us blind,” Tremie added. “But I take comfort in the fact that at least we’ll probably get to keep players like Scott Barnes and Tim Fedroff for the rest of their careers.”
Tribe Should Extend Jason Giambi
The Cleveland Indians took an important step forward this past offseason by extending a third of their regular lineup that many refer to as part of their “young core”. However, releasing it in such terms is sure to cause a media outrage over their insensitivity to age. In an effort to save face and appear more politically correct, the Tribe should immediately enter into extension talks with a member of their older core, Jason Giambi. Giambi is the oldest active player in major league baseball, so he’s the perfect target for this type of extension.
Over the course of the season last year, no player provided more value in the clubhouse, in proportion to his value on the field, than Jason Giambi. In addition to his plethora of #veteranpresents, Jason Gilbert Giambi also smacked 9 homers, including 2 that count for ten apiece because they were walk-offs. He led the league in the much sought-after RBI per at-bat statistic, and although his batting average was .183, the Mendoza line doesn’t apply to him because he can’t play a position. He currently holds the major league records for oldest player to hit a walk-off homer and sexiest good-luck thong. He was also the AL MVP back in 2001, which provides a respect value that you can’t place a dollar amount on.
“Big G is a key part of this team, and I’d like to see him remain here for years to come,” said a random fan on the streets of East Cleveland. “It seems like the older he gets, the more of a veteran he becomes.”
When looking at the numbers for a potential Giambi extension, there were very few comparables. Giambi was worth -0.3 wins above replacement in his age 42 season with the Tribe, and has already been worth that exact amount in 2014 only a fifth of the way through the season. He also has fewer strikeouts so far this season than any non-pitcher on the Tribe’s current 25-man roster. Since he’s spent most of his time on the DL this year, he doesn’t even take up a roster spot, giving Terry Francona some flexibility. I think a length of 2 years with a club option would provide some good framework. Each guaranteed year of the contract would pay Giambi $250,000, the average salary of a major-league bench coach. The club option should be for $300,000 with a buyout worth 43 cents, a half-used container of Blistex and some lint, which is the exact contents of my left pocket at this moment.
Carlos Santana’s Struggles May Stem from Insecurities
At the plate this year, Carlos Santana has been about as productive as the average little-leaguer. But a shocking scientific study done by pure speculation in my own living room reveals that the cause may be something that nobody expected. Santana’s issues at the plate may, in fact, stem from confidence issues over something he can’t control.
Over the course of last season, Santana’s position as the Indians’ full-time catcher was slowly usurped from him due to the defensive performance of Yan Gomes. Carlos Santana is still just as valuable to the team, but being pushed to a different position by Gomes may have hurt his confidence, particularly because Gomes happens to have superior size in a part of the body that guys take a lot of pride in. I am talking, of course, about his chin.
Men often give more importance to the size of their chins than they probably should. According to most women, having an enormous chin is fine, but they wouldn’t necessarily prefer a guy with an enormous chin over a guy with an average-sized chin.
“Size doesn’t really matter all that much,” one girl commented. “It’s how they use it that counts. “
“What’s most important to me is a guy’s sense of humor,” another girl added. “I care about things like that much more than I care about the size of a guy’s chin.”
Carlos Santana, we’re all rooting for you. We know it’s difficult to believe sometimes, but it’s not the size of your chin we care about; it’s the size of your swing. So brush it off, get back out there and show us the guy we all know you can be.
Disclaimer: The above articles are written solely for humor and do not reflect the views of employees at Wahoo’s on First or the Cleveland Indians. All quotes from players and personnel in the Cleveland Indians organization are made-up and completely fictional.