16 Things You Didn’t Know About Corey Kluber

Jun 15, 2014; Boston, MA, USA; Cleveland Indians starting pitcher Corey Kluber (28) throws a pitch against the Boston Red Sox in the first inning at Fenway Park. Mandatory Credit: David Butler II-USA TODAY Sports

Because Corey Kluber is doing so well in the first game of the doubleheader today, I thought it might be appropriate to bring back the fun facts about his life and achievements that we used to help him get votes during the All-Star Game Final Vote contest.

1. The US did indeed discover WMDs in Iraq. It was a baseball field where Corey Kluber was developing his slider.

2. Chisenhall’s bat once made contact with Kluber’s fastball. The explosion had a 7 mile radius, but they walked away unscathed.

3. Corey Kluber’s cutter is capable of impregnating women up to four miles away.

4. Corey Kluber is projected to win 4 consecutive Cy Young Awards, and 8 Corey Kluber Awards when it is renamed after him.

5. Corey Kluber once struck out the side on one pitch, and was later credited with a Nobel Prize for discovering perpetual motion.

6. As the legend goes, Corey Kluber was born with a full beard while throwing a cut fastball.

7. Corey Kluber once threw a knuckleball. The collateral damage and death rate was so tragic that he was forced to stop.

8. Each time Corey Kluber strikes out a batter, an angel gets its wings. Recently, heaven has become populated by mutant 6-winged angels.

9. Corey Kluber once threw a slider that burrowed through the ground and struck a sick man in China, curing his cancer.

10. A business once offered to donate $100 to a starving child for every strikeout by Corey Kluber. They recently applied for bankruptcy, and world hunger no longer exists.

11. Peripheral stats predict Corey Kluber to have a negative ERA in the second half, and 104 strikeouts per nine innings.

12. Corey Kluber once threw a cutter that broke 180 degrees and tagged a runner out trying to steal second.

13. Corey Kluber once faced a AA team in a rehab start. After the game, 4 opposing players were found dead and another 7 injured.

14. Corey Kluber was once captured by Al Qaeda. He showed no hint of fear and struck out the side.

15. MLB is considering increasing a strikeout to 5 strikes in order to give batters some semblance of a chance against Corey Kluber.

16. Corey Kluber used to smile on the mound, but batters thought he was baring his teeth and were too scared to swing.  MLB ruled it an unfair competitive advantage.